


Femslash February Crossover Crack

by orphan_account



Category: Archer (Cartoon), Ghostbusters (Movies), Homestuck, Pocket Monsters | Pokemon - All Media Types, The Legend of Zelda
Genre: Blood, Crossover, Crossover Pairings, Cunnilingus, Demonic Possession, F/F, Grimbark, Pale Romance | Moirallegiance, Quadrant Vacillation, Sexual Tension, Unhealthy Relationships
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-02-05
Updated: 2014-02-08
Packaged: 2018-01-11 07:16:05
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 1,913
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1170211
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>A collection of ridiculous crossover pairings for Femslash February.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Grimbark Jade / Zuul & Dana Barrett

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warning: Contains some blood and technical noncon due to demonic possession

Zuul waited, but not patiently.

Comfortably nestled as they were in the mortal human vessel of one Dana Barrett, they could not keep still. They had waited centuries, millennia, and the time had come. Why must they wait any longer? In Dana’s feet, they paced through the apartment, the same thought with every step. A mission, a mantra. _Gozer. Gozer. Gozer. I must unite with the keymaster to bring Gozer into this world._

An abrupt knock on the door sent an electric surge of desire down their vessel’s spine and through every particle of their vast immortal mind. They rushed towards the door and pulled it open, leaning against the frame to leer at the person on the other side.

This was no mere mortal, Zuul could tell immediately. Looking into the eyes of the young woman, Zuul saw blood-red irises behind her round glasses, and simmering with a power of which mortals were simply not capable. The woman’s long, frizzy mane of black hair was interrupted by a hound’s ears, and she wore only black and gray, save for her ruby slippers.

“Are you the keymaster?” Zuul demanded.

“Sure, that’s me,” replied the stranger, grinning. “So you’re the gatekeeper?”

“I am.”

“Then let’s get this show on the road.”

Zuul stepped back, pulling the door the rest of the way open. The keymaster strolled in, kicking the door shut behind her. She immediately grabbed Dana’s body by the shoulders, digging in her claws - Zuul did not think human bodies had claws - and slamming her against the wall so hard that Zuul could feel the pain flooding through the mortal’s back. As doomed as all humans imminently were, Zuul needed this body until the ritual was complete. They opened their mouth to object to the unnecessarily rough treatment, but the keymaster pressed her lips against theirs with unbridled ferocity, lapping tongue and sharp teeth claiming Dana’s mouth for her own.

Or perhaps they were not only claiming Dana, Zuul realized as they tasted their vessel’s blood. The keymaster clawed at the vessel’s body, ripping away the shreds of their silky attire and leaving flesh-deep cuts in their stead. The intensity only served to heighten Zuul’s burning need.

Together, their passion would summon the Destroyer and, gloriously, the end of this puny mortal world.


	2. Erika (Pokemon) / Saria (Legend of Zelda series)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Warning: Explicit (and ridiculous) content.

Gentle light filtered through the thick forest canopy, streaming down to caress the bodies of the two lovers, united in the tranquil woods with no company but the trees and the breeze.

After kicking off her boots and removing her belt, Saria turned around to let Erika unzip her. The elegant Gym Leader leaned in, delicately pulling down the thick emerald collar of the Kokiri’s turtleneck to reveal the pale nape of her neck. Erika leaned in and sensually kissed the exposed skin, smiling silently as Saria sighed.

Erika removed her mouth to focus her attentions on unzipping her lover’s utilitarian garment. She’d mentioned once that a skirt would look better on the Kokiri, but Saria would hear none of it.

The two were quiet but for Saria’s giggles as Erika helped her out of the rest of her clothes. Though the Kokiri was far older than Erika, she was undeniably young-at-heart, wise but gay. When Saria finally stood bare before her, Erika knelt on the soft moss of the forest floor. She pressed a tender kiss to the belly button before her, then sunk down further, past the mound of curls as verdant as the stem of a rose.

Erika inhaled deeply, breathing in her lover’s delightful scent, before burying her face in the rosy petals of Saria’s womanhood. She had just stuck out her tongue to taste the delightful nectar when she heard a quavering noise nearby that was most unfortunately not Saria.

“Oddish???????????”


	3. Jane Crocker/Pam Poovey

With your father running to the store to fetch more confectioner’s sugar (which you really should have put on the grocery list last week!), you’re stuck alone at your house with your father’s guest. She’s the new HR manager at his office, and, though he’s too polite to say it, you get the impression she sort of invited herself over for dinner under the pretext of colleague bonding. But right now, you’re pretty sure she just wants home-cooked food from the famous Crocker household.

Pam takes a loud, audible sniff that’s practically a snort. You’d be taken aback, if you hadn’t already witnessed over the past couple of hours just how crass she can be! To be fair, the aroma drifting through the kitchen does smell quite delicious, if you do say so yourself. Cinnamon, sugar, and toasted nuts mingle with the perfect scent of fresh-baked dough as you pull the tray of treats out of the oven.

“Oh man, are the bear claws done?” Pam asks excitedly.

“They sure are,” you reply as you carefully nudge the oven door closed with one knee and place the baking sheet on the stovetop.

You hear Pam moving behind you, and you freeze. Her large bosom presses up against your upper back, and though now you’re trapped between her and the oven, you don’t really find yourself wanting to move. Her body feels soft and safe against yours, and as she reaches around you, you have an urge to grab her arm and wrap it around you. You don’t, of course, but rather watch as she reaches for a bear claw.

“Shit! These are as hot as Satan’s asshole,” Pam swears, stumbling back. As you turn around, you see her shaking her hand wildly, wincing in pain. You throw off your oven mitt, grab an ice pack out of the freezer, and shove it in her hand. She groans and falls back into a kitchen chair, her womanly figure slumping. You try not to look down her blouse, and really hope you don’t blush as you briefly fail.

“Thanks,” she says with a sigh. You raise your eyebrows, and she continues with a whine.

“My hand’s better, but the smell of those bear claws is _torture_. I’ve been waiting for those babies for half an hour, and now I’m going to have to wait even longer.”

“You don’t have to wait much longer,” you reply. You return to the stove and hesitate. You could grab a knife, cut off a portion, and give it to her on a fork. But that wouldn’t be an authentic bear claw experience, and gosh darn it, you’re a Crocker! If you’re going to make baked goods, you’re going to do it right.

You pull the oven mitt back on and return to Pam, steaming-hot bear claw held in your red-and-white-knit-protected hand. She lights up with the biggest smile you’ve ever seen, rosy cheeks dimpled in an admittedly endearing way. As you stop beside you, she sits up straighter, hands resting in her lap with the ice pack.

You hold out the bear claw and she opens wide to ferociously tear off a piece with her teeth, showering you both with crumbs. You pull the pastry back slightly and she chews and swallows noisily.

“Hey, I’m just getting started!” she exclaims, and you extend your mitted hand again.

Pam makes short work of the bear claw, and soon you’re left with only an empty hand. As she licks the last crumbs off her lips, you find your eyes lingering on her pink tongue. When she withdraws it to the dark chamber of her mouth, you look up and find her meeting your gaze with interest. She smiles and shifts in her chair, spreading her legs in a confident yet completely unladylike manner.

Slowly, you reach out and place your mitted hand against her cheek. She moves in, and you follow, drawn to her like cream cheese frosting to a red velvet cupcake. You may be delicious on your own, but you need something sweeter, something bold, something _more_. And sure enough, her lips taste like sugar and delight, though that might just be the lingering scent of the bear claws.


	4. Nurse Joy/The Dolorosa

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Healthy moirallegiance, but unhealthy concupiscent Mindfang/Dolorosa in the background.

When she heard voices escalating in Mindfang’s hospital room, Nurse Joy knew that she was going to have to step in, as reluctant to meddle as she was. If the arguing was loud enough to drift into the hallway despite the closed door, that meant other patients could no doubt hear it from adjacent rooms. Despite the relationship between Joy and Mindfang’s visitor, right now Joy’s _professional_ relationship between herself and a hospital visitor came first. She had to maintain order.

Of course, Joy’s headstrong, overenthusiastic Pokemon, decked out with her own miniature nurse’s hat, harbored no reservations nor conflict of interest whatsoever. The creature hurried in front of her, jumping up to slam a tiny arm onto the door handle, flinging it open to burst in dramatically.

“BLISSEY!” cried Blissey with as much chastisement as a pink, rotund, egg-shaped Pokemon could summon.

Said amount of chastisement was enough to bring the visitor to her senses, at least. The troll beside the bed, decked in her customary jade and jet robes, quieted immediately, and pulled herself back to an upright, dignified pose.

Mindfang, however, continued loudly to the other troll, gesturing at her gauze-covered eye.

“- TOOK OUT MY EYE, YOU FOOL!”

“Alright, that’s enough!” Joy interjected firmly. “Remember, this is a hospital.”

The Dolorosa shot Mindfang a poisonous look and opened her mouth to reply. Whatever words she had died in her throat, from thinking better of it or from the crushing disappointment of yet another fight with her concupiscent lover, Joy couldn’t say.

“You can’t come up with anything to that, can you?” Mindfang said derisively, crossing her full arm over the bandaged stump of her other.

“Blissey!” insisted the Pokemon, giving Mindfang a displeased look.

The Dolorosa simply shook her head and stalked out of the room. Joy and her Pokemon followed, shutting the door behind them.

As Blissey waddled off, the Dolorosa sank into a chair across the hall. Nurse Joy carefully came up behind her, watching for any of the subtle head shakes or dismissive hand motions she’d come to learn meant “Not right now” from her moirail. Instead, the Dolorosa only slumped down, elbows on her knees and face in her hands.

Nurse Joy knelt down and placed a hand on the back of the Dolorosa’s forearm. She ran it up and down gently until the troll lifted her face. The Dolorosa gazed at her with a discouragement that Joy had seen before, but was never revealed to others.

“They say if two people fight, they really care about each other,” Joy said softly, moving her hand from the woman’s arm to gently rest it on her cheek. The troll relaxed visibly, and Joy saw her scowl soften as the nurse began to rub her reassuringly.

No words more passed between them for some time. Helper Pokemon and other nurses passed through the hall, but all politely averted their eyes from the naked display of moirallegiance. It was a bit bold for a public space, but emotions ran high for everyone in the hospital, so it certainly wasn’t unprecedented. More importantly to Joy, the Dolorosa clearly needed it. Her ever-vacillating relationship with Mindfang was unpredictable at best, destructive at worst, and tragic incident yesterday had undeniably swung their passion towards worse. But now wasn’t the time for Nurse Joy to remind her moirail that the concupiscent mess with Mindfang wasn’t healthy. That’s not what the Dolorosa needed right now. What she needed right now was this.

**Author's Note:**

> If you have ideas for other ridiculous femslash crossovers, you can leave me prompts at gendersquare.tumblr.com/ask !


End file.
